JACKNEALY.COM BLOG

Noooooo!!! The Smoking Indonesian Baby Is An Ex-Smoking Indonesian Baby

Jack — Fri, 03 Sep 2010 18:49:05 +0000

The last cool child left on the planet has become uncool. Ardi Rizal’s smoking habit has come to an end.

A little over three months ago, I applauded our favorite chain smoking toddler, and held him up as an example for American kids to look up to. Kids in this country pretend to be werewolves, bite each other as if they are virgin vampires, get high off of MP3s, and blind themselves by pouring vodka into their eyeballs (with no chaser). There is nothing timeless about tripping balls from your iPod. Marlon Brando and James Dean didn’t take iconic photos with shot glasses resting on top of their eyeballs. They all smoked, and smoking is badass, especially since science says it will kill you.

If you were a teen, would you hang out with a kid who bites your neck, or a kid who smokes?

I rest my case.

Ving Rhames Keeps It Real At The Oscars After “Winning” Best Actor For Piranha 3D

Jack — Thu, 02 Sep 2010 00:25:12 +0000

I’ve been lazy/busy lately, so I haven’t been able to post anything in nearly a month. (Internets marketing is hard motherfucking work.) But here is a humorous video of Ving Rhames winning Best Actor for his role in Piranha 3D, while ‘keeping it 100′ (a new phrase born from America’s urban centers, meaning staying true to oneself).

Thank you for supporting this blog with your visits, despite the fact I only posted like three or four times in the month of August. Last month had the highest traffic for the blog since I started it last November, and I truly appreciate your support.

[Funny or Die]

B Pumper Finally Brings Diss Track Season Back To Hip-Hop

Jack — Wed, 11 Aug 2010 14:43:40 +0000

I don’t know who B Pumper is (nor do I care), but in an attempt to get signed by 50 Cent, he makes the first diss track going after a heavy hitter since Scott Storch’s diss of Timbaland. B Pumper makes the claim that he can “satisfy” Beyonce better than Jay-Z. Boasting about your talents in the bedroom may not get you the girl, or respect in the game, but hopefully (for your sake) this track gets you signed.

Jersey Shore – Taiwan’s Apple Daily Summarizes Jersey Shore In 60 Seconds

Jack — Mon, 09 Aug 2010 18:11:20 +0000

Taiwan’s Apple Daily News has been on fire with their highly accurate snippets of American pop culture news, retold through the power of 3D animation. You may have remembered their recreation of the Tiger Woods crash last November. Today, they spotlighted America’s latest pop culture guilty pleasure, MTV’s Jersey Shore. The clip captured the very essence of the show: booze, promiscuity, douchébags, obnoxious behavior, and the fleeting 15 minutes of fame.

[Warming Glow]

Our Favorite Brazilian Douchebag Freestyling In Portuguese To Snoop’s “That’s That”, Flexes His Breast Implants

Jack — Sat, 07 Aug 2010 00:59:22 +0000

You all may remember this guy when he give us an exhibition of the most eff’d up sets of pecs and delts money can buy. He is back to show off his skills on the mic by freestyling to Snoop Dogg’s “That’s That” in Portuguese. The ladies will need to fan themselves after seeing him repeatedly punch his ‘tities’ to show how soft they are.

Jersey Shore – Ohh Snooki! Jersey Shore’s Diminutive Party Animal Gets Arrested At The Guido Mecca

Jack — Fri, 30 Jul 2010 22:42:19 +0000

I guess our favorite stereotypical “guidos” and “guidettes” are back on air. (Using guido and guidette to describe someone still feels wrong to me. I wonder why?) The strength of America’s collective fist pump appears to be worn down this time. I know that I wasn’t anticipating the premiere of season two, and I can only imagine that the lack of buzz on the social networks indicates that others are a bit fatigued from the cast’s overexposure as well. Since season one ended in February, we’ve been bombarded with the cast making guest appearances on every show from The Wendy Williams Show, to The View. The show never truly left the air. As a consequence, I decided to take a break from America’s favorite Italians this season. Without watching the first episode, I can tell you that there probably was a fight, someone threatening to go home until the rest of the housemates showed that person how much they loved and appreciated her presence in the house (because it is ALWAYS a girl pulling that shit in every reality show), and possibly a hook-up or two. Essentially the Italian-American Real World.

News of my lack of interest in this season must have made it all the way to Snooki this afternoon, because she was bound and determined to get my attention (like a true “guidette”). Our dear Snooki was arrested at Seaside Heights for disorderly conduct (aka – public drunkenness).

Any PR is good PR, right?

Snooki pulled out all the stops for me to pay attention: public drunkenness, arrest, drunk tank, looking taking an epic “perp walk” photo with a shirt that has “slut” on it. I feel obligated to watch the show next Thursday.

Now that I am interested again, can the other housemates promise to not put their liver’s health in peril just so I can watch the show?

[New York Daily News]

I Am Officially That Old Man Who Says, “Back In My Day, Kids Didn’t Do Dumb Shit Like This.”

Jack — Mon, 19 Jul 2010 03:05:29 +0000

Granted, Twilight wasn’t a literary phenomenon when I was growing up, (*pausing to reflect on that last statement and my fleeting youth*) but we understood by the age of 2 that biting was a no-no. Kids nowadays have no respect for pain, and big scary diseases like AIDS. Unless there was some grand evolution in our physiology that I missed out on by being born in the 80s, biting still hurts, right? Digesting the blood of another human being is a riskier proposition than unprotected sex, yes? So why – nevermind. Just watch and laugh at the ridiculousness of America’s youth.

[The Alt Report]

Wherever Christopher Nolan Goes, I Will Follow

Jack — Sat, 17 Jul 2010 19:29:49 +0000

The greatest director of his generation.

Inception was incredible. It was a thought provoking film, with enough action to keep you on edge for the entire movie. Christopher Nolan’s direction and writing were excellent as expected. The man is so consistent with quality films that it is frightening. Memento was just a taste of what Nolan can do. The film could have easily been a disaster given all the leaps back and forward through the timeline, but Nolan managed to pull it off gracefully, and became a rising star in the business. With Inception, Nolan once again introduces a complex story to his audience without scrambling your brains while figuring out what is going on. He also shows off his new visual effects toys, which were used as a storytelling device, and not as a means of flexing technical muscle (a la George Lucas).

That’s all I can give you without out spewing out key parts of the movie. Check out the trailer for Inception below.

Mel, Not The Lakers Tickets!?!

Jack — Fri, 16 Jul 2010 05:39:10 +0000

I wonder how many divorce settlements will include Cavaliers tickets in Cleveland this year? (Sorry, Cleveland. I should layoff. It’s been a rough week.) In LA, Lakers tickets can make or break movie deals, be used as status symbols, or ruin families. Mel Gibson in 1 of 5 epic rants attempts to show his ex, Oksana Grigorieva (aka – “BITCH-CUNT-WHORE!”), who calls the shots in this relationship (?) by canceling the Lakers box seats.

The Japan – Paraguay Match Probably Set The Soccer Movement In America Back To 1990

Jack — Wed, 30 Jun 2010 06:20:06 +0000

In America, Nil-Nil does not exist in our sporting vocabulary after 45 minutes

This game was so bad that I believe FIFA was conspiring to make the game boring just to make the “Ugly Americans” lose interest in the sport beyond our natural three and a half year soccer hibernation period. Can’t we get a rule change on freaking offsides before you afford the officials the best replay technology the 1970s has to offer? Half of those controversial goals would be afterthoughts if the game opened up for more scoring. I am not asking for football scores of 30-20, but I definitely don’t want to see 0-0 after 120+ minutes of play. 60 minutes should be adequate time to score ONE goal.